Apparently, today, 19 October, is “Evaluate your life day”. So instead of just sharing random thoughts, I decided I should share what kind of life I’ve led until now.
For a long time, I was at a loss of what to do with my life. I had seemingly no interests or passion that could bring me to a brighter future. I would bide my time away studying, doing what I need to do, followed by watching anime and reading manga in my free time. I longed to have a passion or interest of some sort that could prove to be useful. I envied people who were genuinely interested and passionate about whatever subjects they were learning or already knew what they wanted to do with their lives.
As someone who was mostly surrounded by people who did not share the same interests as me, it was tough to find anything to talk to others about aside from work. At first, I was content with just that, I felt that I did not need friends or people to talk to about other things because I could enjoy anime and manga by myself. However, over time, I came to know others who I could maintain a conversation with and genuinely enjoy myself with. It was fun while it lasted, but those were people who are generally just good at making friends and talking to others. In other words, they were the popular people who had tons of friends. People who would not be able to spare much time for each person because of the sheer number of people they interact with.
After experiencing the satisfactory feeling of having a fun conversation with another person, whenever I was alone, it was no longer a feeling of relief and joy. I felt sad. Sad that I had no one to talk to. I actually felt lonely. As a result, I resorted to feigning interest in the things those people around me enjoyed to join in on their conversations. I interacted with others on pure instinct to prevent a feeling of loneliness and emptiness to arise.
As one would expect, such superficial conversations did not bring much joy or relief. In fact, it aggravated my feelings of disconnect and emptiness. I felt disconnected from others and the world. After awhile, I became numb to it. Once again, being alone did not bother me. Emptiness filled the void in me. I lived day by day without thinking of anything, doing what I have to do. The purest form of simply going through the motions of living life.
Even right now, whenever I interact with others, my words are empty. The words that come out of my mouth are simply words that I think would bring about the least problems. Words that I pick up from those around me and recycle to fit in with them.
The empty words disappear as soon as they are spoken. Easily forgotten, never to make an impact. Only the words that matter, are recorded online by me. The words that express my thoughts that I have come to have as I went through life without any passion or interest to invest my time in. The words that express my feelings and emotions that I dare not share with those in my immediate surroundings.
I breathe my life into my online persona, leaving my physical body as an empty shell.
In a sense, my online persona is more me than me in real life.
This is the story of my life so far.
To be honest, it is not all that bad.
Ever since I created this website and started writing frequently, I have started to feel more purpose in life. Even if not many people read my posts, the simple act of writing and sharing it online makes me feel at ease. Perhaps it is just me trying to deceive myself to think that I am doing something productive without putting in much effort but it is something I enjoy and hope to continue doing for a long time.
Sorry if this was not exactly an evaluation but a description of what my life has been like. Perhaps it was not as interesting, maybe relatable or just downright boring but either way, thank you for reading it till the end 🙂
Feel free to share your life experiences and what you feel your life has been like so far in the comments below ^^