Posted in Inspired By Anime, My Thoughts

Clouds in the Sky

When we take pictures of clouds, we capture them as still images.

We are unable to capture the fact that they are moving forward with the help of wind in pictures.

Just like the wind which guides and moves the clouds across the sky, we have friends and family who care for us even if we may not know it. Individuals are guiding and moving us forward through life even if we do not notice them. As we go through life, when we think back to moments of our past and lament, perhaps we fail to see how the individuals involved in our past unbeknownst to us who have helped us to become who you are today. Or put less optimistically, influenced us to be the person we are today, be it good or bad. Our current self.

However, unlike the clouds which have no mind of their own and can only follow the wind, we are able to make our own decisions and choose whether or not to let the wind determine where we go.

At times, there may be winds from different directions, all leading to different places. We have to think for ourselves and decide which way to go. Choosing which wind to ride on is like choosing between people’s differing advice and routes opened up for us by others or ourselves. Unlike clouds which would have no choice but to simply follow the strongest wind, we have the ability to choose as long as we can withstand whatever is pressuring us to adopt a different route in life than we would like.

I’d like to believe that we are freer than the clouds in the sky.

I talked about my “selves” in a previous post of mine. Now I think that perhaps they are simply products of my choosing a particular direction to head towards. A specific path towards a different me at every turn, creating a new “self” each time.

Just like clouds, we are ever-changing.

Just like dry air infiltrating clouds results in dissipation of the clouds, allowing dry, mundane tasks to soak into our daily lifestyles will eventually eat away at us and leave us more and more empty inside.

The result?

Despair.

We need something meaningful to fill our days and allow us to maintain our “self”. Just like clouds need moisture to maintain their shape or possibly change our shape into something bigger.

Every action of ours is slightly influenced by others. The slightest of winds can change the direction of where our lives are headed.

In the end, we are ultimately moving along life guided by those around us whether or not we choose to accept the fact. Every action is a reaction to those around us or even just to our surroundings. No action is independent of another.

– K.A.L.T

freedomlikeclouds

This post was influenced by a simple two sentences in Fuujin Monogatari,

“Clouds move with the wind. So when you capture the clouds, you’re also capturing the wind.”

A simple statement. Something that should be common sense. Yet, it made me think.

Posted in Inspired By Book, Inspired By Life, My Thoughts

My Despair(s)

According to Kierkegaard, despair is the result of failure to be your true “self”.

The first two forms of despair introduced in “Existentialism: All That Matters” by David Cerbone are weakness and defiance.

“Kierkegaard calls the kind of despair marked by being adrift among unrealised possibilities weakness, since I long for some other way to be while feeling unable to attain it; alternatively, the feeling of being stuck can devolve into what he calls defiance, where I reject the idea of possibilities all together and wallow instead of how I actually am.”
– David Cerbone (Existentialism: All that matters – Chapter 2)

For a long time, I have dwelled on my many weaknesses and focused on how incompetent I am as a person. I always wished I was better and worked hard to be better. However, through all the trials, I started to lose faith in myself. I could not see myself becoming any better than I am. Soon enough, I started to accept it and readily accepted insults or scoldings for poor work. I felt, it was only natural. I’m incompetent after all… All I could do… was despair silently while living on doing sub-standard work.

However, there’s no way I could continue that way for long. It’s a crushing despair one would not be able to bear for a substantial period of time. Thus, I moved on to try and get my mind off my incompetence by doing trivial and small tasks that could be completed easily even by me. It kept my days busy and I felt fulfilled living each day. Yet… as I was reading “Existentialism: All that matters”, I came across this passage.

“To be consumed by ‘errands’ is to lack faith in anything ultimate; if I am just busy being busy, there is nothing really that my life is all about. I may feel like I always have something to do and somewhere to be, but all of this scurrying about does not add up to anything or make a unified whole. Whether I feel it particularly or not, in leading such a life I am mired in despair.”
– David Cerbone

This made me realise something I probably knew subconsciously for a long time. Every time I took up a new task or started doing something “for fun”, I was simply looking for a way to escape from my weakness and defiance. I just wanted to not have to think about who I am. I just wanted to live without dwelling on complicated things like who I am as a person and what my worth or purpose on earth is. I guess you could say, I gave up on finding a reason a long time ago. As a result, I simply find things to fill my time day after day. Be it simple things like just watching anime, reading manga, writing, editing, eating, walking or sleeping. I just want to fill up the time that I have on this world. There’s no ultimate purpose in anything I’m doing. I just do not want to feel the despair of not being the person I wish I was.

However, my escape is nothing but temporary and fragile. The moment I have a time of rest, I end up thinking about all my flaws and incompetencies. I end up feeling empty and without purpose all over again.

To truly overcome despair, I would have to take a different approach.

An approach in which I’m not running away from my despair which I could never outrun. An approach that makes me confront the roots of my despair head on…

Definitely not something simple, but definitely something that must be done.

Do I have what it takes?

I do not know, all I can do is try.

– K.A.L.T

despair



Okay, to be completely honest, watching anime, reading manga, writing and editing are things I started in hopes of creating an identity for myself. Before any of those things, there was really nothing that interested me. Thus, I felt like I was lacking as an individual for not having any interests and decided to try them out since they at least got my attention.

This post is mostly just to share what I’ve read from “Existentialism: All that matters” by David Cerbone because a lot of the content in the book really spoke to me and I really felt the urge to share them. If you’re interested in reading the book for yourself, simply click here. In the book, he also describes how you should/could confront your despair and overcome it to becoming a “self”.

Posted in Inspired By Book, Inspired By Life, My Thoughts

My “Selves”

As I was writing about how empty I felt on Friday and just so happened to read the second chapter of “Existentialism: All That Matters” (yes I still am only at the second chapter), I was prompted to write about what makes my “self”.

The two major selves of mine (that can also be further broken down) are my online persona and real-life persona.

My online persona: An ever-serious personality that talks about things with only a hint of emotion or feeling. Or at least, not excessively emotional.

I’m able to achieve this because as I type, I feel like I’ve distanced myself from all the complicated emotions I cannot comprehend and am dedicating all my focus into producing a piece of writing that describes my thoughts as accurately as possible. I feel less, think more and thus write. However, simply because I’m thinking a lot and trying to be objective, does it make it in any way, closer to the truth?

“Reflection on one’s own life – on what matters most – requires not cool detachment but passion. Moreover, all such reflection necessarily confronts objective uncertainty.”
– David Cerbone (Existentialism: All that Matters – Chapter 2)

From this, I would assume that I cannot simply empty myself out and try to judge myself without emotion or feeling. I need to have a certain amount of substance and passion to truly delve into my “sea of selves”. If I’m too detached, all I’d see is the surface. Nothing below it, nothing more. Thus, I hope that moving forward, my writing will have a little more emotion and feeling in them, a feeling of who I am. Not excessive, but just enough to make my post more… substantial.

My real-life persona: Always changing, sometimes emotional, sometimes apathetic and empty. Simply put, difficult to comprehend. Even for myself.

Perhaps, as some have made me take into consideration, I am constantly filled with emotions. Sometimes I can comprehend them and thus I feel like I’m being very emotional. Other times, I cannot comprehend them in the slightest and thus deem myself as feeling empty and emotionless. There could even be times whereby I’m overwhelmed with a variety of emotions and thoughts within me at the same time and feel conflicted. I feel as though I have so many different “selves” without realising that they are all part of the same person. Me.

Since I’m typing all this out, it seems like I more or less understand myself. However, I’m simply in a mood to write something like this about myself at this moment. Depending on when I write and what I’m feeling, I’m sure that I could have written something completely different to describe myself.

They say that if you ask 10 different people the same question, you’ll get 10 different answers. However, it would seem that you only need to ask me the same question in a different time to make me give a different answer.

In a sense, my “self” is ever changing. As time goes on, the me you see is different from the previous one. No matter how short or long the time gap is, you cannot see the same me twice. The same thoughts would likely never come round again. This is likely the root of my concern that I’m not being genuine with those around me. I constantly feel like I’m lying to them and being dishonest about myself. No matter how I attempt to describe myself to others, even if I’m trying to be honest, I turn out to be someone completely different. It’s as though I reject the idea of others knowing of my “true self” that I purposefully change it the moment others know what my current “true self” is like.

This is me, writing about myself today.

I wonder how different I will be tomorrow?

Or perhaps having written that I’ll be different the moment I reveal myself, I’ll choose to remain the same instead.

As mentioned in the quote way up above, I’m inevitably confronted with objective uncertainty as to what my self, my existence truly is.

In the end, maybe as Kierkegaard was possibly trying to say, is that the truth about existence is subjectivity (a possibility brought up by David Cerbone).

The truth about my “self”, is that it is in its very essence, subjective.

– K.A.L.T

myselves


I know I didn’t really describe my “self” much but honestly, this is the best I can do at the moment. Perhaps in a different time, I’ll be able to share more about myself, if any of you are interested of course.

If you are interested in getting the book “Existentialism: All that matters” by David Cerbone, simply click here.