Most of us likely have things we want to forget. Yet they are the only things that we remember the most vividly. Especially the emotions we felt at the time. As if to remind us of our mistakes. To ensure we live in constant regret. To prevent us from ever making ourselves go through the same shame, pain or simply plain embarrassment.
It’s the same for me, my memory tends to fail me easily. I can forget what I talked to my friends about really quickly. However, if I responded in a certain way that I felt was wrong, I would not be able to forget about it. I’d keep thinking… was it wrong of me to say that? Was I being insensitive? What could I have said instead?
These questions fill my head more than the content of the conversations. In the end, after worrying about it and simulating many different scenarios in my head. I lose sight of the actual memory.
My life is one in which I constantly live in the present and am unable to recall my past. Even if I can, it does not feel real.
The only time I can recall a memory vividly is when I remember the action. As well as the emotions that arose from that action. For example, I was queuing at a buffet set-up in my cousin’s house and the light switches happened to be next to me. My cousin then dared me to switch off the light and turn it back on. Stupidly I did so. I pressed it two times in quick succession. However, it was too fast. The lights turned off and did not turn back on. Embarrassed, I quickly turned the lights back on after being stunned by the gasps and reactions of those around me. It was a stupid, childish action I did a long time ago. It did not even lead to any real consequences yet I still remember it and feel shame from it till this day. It is frustrating.
Even more so when it’s these stupid little things I remember and not conversations with my friends. I thought, perhaps I just subconsciously never accepted anyone as my friends. Perhaps, I never viewed my time with any of them as precious.
It frustrated me. If my interest in those around me, my friends, is superficial… I don’t need to have friends. Why bother talking to them everyday when I do not remember anything at all?
As a result, I simply distanced myself from others and started to talk even less then I did before. Believing that I could care for none. Believing that even if I experience many new things, it’s no point if I cannot remember them.
Until I realised… it doesn’t really matter if I can’t remember, it’s fun enough to just enjoy being with them and talking to them at the moment.
It’s okay to only remember the painful things. It makes me more grateful for the me now. It enables me to believe that any pain or negative feeling will eventually be in my past. The fewer memories I have, means the more happy times I had when you didn’t have to worry about anything. Didn’t have to think about anything complicated. Just living and having fun.
Inspired by ef A Tale of Memories Episode 3.
For both ef A Tale of Memories (Season 1) & ef A Tale of Melodies (Season 2) DVD click here.