As I was writing about how empty I felt on Friday and just so happened to read the second chapter of “Existentialism: All That Matters” (yes I still am only at the second chapter), I was prompted to write about what makes my “self”.
The two major selves of mine (that can also be further broken down) are my online persona and real-life persona.
My online persona: An ever-serious personality that talks about things with only a hint of emotion or feeling. Or at least, not excessively emotional.
I’m able to achieve this because as I type, I feel like I’ve distanced myself from all the complicated emotions I cannot comprehend and am dedicating all my focus into producing a piece of writing that describes my thoughts as accurately as possible. I feel less, think more and thus write. However, simply because I’m thinking a lot and trying to be objective, does it make it in any way, closer to the truth?
“Reflection on one’s own life – on what matters most – requires not cool detachment but passion. Moreover, all such reflection necessarily confronts objective uncertainty.”
– David Cerbone (Existentialism: All that Matters – Chapter 2)
From this, I would assume that I cannot simply empty myself out and try to judge myself without emotion or feeling. I need to have a certain amount of substance and passion to truly delve into my “sea of selves”. If I’m too detached, all I’d see is the surface. Nothing below it, nothing more. Thus, I hope that moving forward, my writing will have a little more emotion and feeling in them, a feeling of who I am. Not excessive, but just enough to make my post more… substantial.
My real-life persona: Always changing, sometimes emotional, sometimes apathetic and empty. Simply put, difficult to comprehend. Even for myself.
Perhaps, as some have made me take into consideration, I am constantly filled with emotions. Sometimes I can comprehend them and thus I feel like I’m being very emotional. Other times, I cannot comprehend them in the slightest and thus deem myself as feeling empty and emotionless. There could even be times whereby I’m overwhelmed with a variety of emotions and thoughts within me at the same time and feel conflicted. I feel as though I have so many different “selves” without realising that they are all part of the same person. Me.
Since I’m typing all this out, it seems like I more or less understand myself. However, I’m simply in a mood to write something like this about myself at this moment. Depending on when I write and what I’m feeling, I’m sure that I could have written something completely different to describe myself.
They say that if you ask 10 different people the same question, you’ll get 10 different answers. However, it would seem that you only need to ask me the same question in a different time to make me give a different answer.
In a sense, my “self” is ever changing. As time goes on, the me you see is different from the previous one. No matter how short or long the time gap is, you cannot see the same me twice. The same thoughts would likely never come round again. This is likely the root of my concern that I’m not being genuine with those around me. I constantly feel like I’m lying to them and being dishonest about myself. No matter how I attempt to describe myself to others, even if I’m trying to be honest, I turn out to be someone completely different. It’s as though I reject the idea of others knowing of my “true self” that I purposefully change it the moment others know what my current “true self” is like.
This is me, writing about myself today.
I wonder how different I will be tomorrow?
Or perhaps having written that I’ll be different the moment I reveal myself, I’ll choose to remain the same instead.
As mentioned in the quote way up above, I’m inevitably confronted with objective uncertainty as to what my self, my existence truly is.
In the end, maybe as Kierkegaard was possibly trying to say, is that the truth about existence is subjectivity (a possibility brought up by David Cerbone).
The truth about my “self”, is that it is in its very essence, subjective.
I know I didn’t really describe my “self” much but honestly, this is the best I can do at the moment. Perhaps in a different time, I’ll be able to share more about myself, if any of you are interested of course.
If you are interested in getting the book “Existentialism: All that matters” by David Cerbone, simply click here.