Lately, I’ve been rather confused as to who I am. Confused as to what I really think. Sometimes, my mind is blank and I fail to think of anything. It’s as though there are moments where my soul just slips out of my body leaving nothing but an empty shell running on auto-pilot…
However, as I was reading “Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End Of The World” by Haruki Murakami. I came across this quote,
“You are not lost, it’s just that your own thoughts are being kept from you, or hidden away. But the mind is strong. It survives even without thought. Even with everything taken away, it holds a seed – your self.”
Even as an “empty shell”, I continue living through those moments without thought. No matter how horrible it feels to be hollow, my body continues to move and behave as it should. Despite lacking vigour and passion, it does what it needs to do. In a sense, it acts out of the sense of responsibility ingrained in it. Responsibility to do what I, my “self”, would do. Simple things like responding to what others say with a smile and listening to orders given by my superiors because it would not be right to take things out on others just because I am troubled. Everyone has their own share of troubling hardships they have to deal with after all.
In the end, no matter how hollow or empty I claim to feel or be, the basic core that makes me who I am, remains. Even without thought, my body acts the way I, at the most basic of levels, would do. Being empty is the same as leaving my body in the hands of my subconsciousness. In a sense, I become closer to who I genuinely am…
Perhaps, the key to finding out my true “self” is to not think so much. To let myself act instinctively. From there, based on my actions, I can then think and try to figure myself out. Creating bridges between the gaps. Refining who I am as a “self”.
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