Blogging takes a lot of time and effort. Perhaps dedicating myself to maintaining a blog is just another way for me to feel productive. To feel like I am doing something. Something with meaning… without ever getting out of my comfort zone, merely typing whatever comes to mind.
It was only a few years back that I realised that I like to write. When given written assignments where I have to share my thoughts and opinions on a topic of choice among a few different options, I had fun and always completed them when I did not feel like doing any other work.
At that point, honestly, I never even thought of blogging. It was only when a coursemate of mine last year told me that he had a website. A website which posts phone reviews. It gave me the idea to blog. My anime quote edit account was dying as I was losing inspiration. So I thought, perhaps if I could start something that showcases my writing more than my edits, I would be able to make more edits since they would not need to be too complex.
Notice how I said, “showcases my writing”? I think part of the reason is also due to my inflated sense of ego when it comes to writing that no one else reads. If no one comments and says it’s horrible, it is good. Such a stupid mindset that I can’t seem to get out of.
My grandmother’s present to me last year for my birthday had a card which commented on how I’m the most contented grandson she has. It was meant to be a compliment… yet thinking about it makes me feel like I’ve become too conceited. I’m too content with my way of thinking and doing things. As much as people think I’m a humble person who lacks any sense of pride, inside, I know that I am a very egotistical person.
Why else would I go out of my way to create a WordPress blog to “showcase” my thoughts if I did not think much of them? It goes to show that I think highly of my thoughts, too highly. I feel they are unique and interesting when they are more likely closer to ramblings of someone who has not experienced anything in life worth noting. Ramblings of someone who wants to add to his substance without having to experience anything new or out of his comfort zone.
If someone wants to try to sound like he knows more than he does despite experiencing little and not even fully experiencing those that he has, what would that person feel? Likely disgust. They would think that this guy’s ramblings are not worth their time.
In the end, how is it that people listen to what I have to say? I seek out those with troubles similar to mine and tell them my musings and solutions that I cannot bring to fruition due to personal incompetence or just lack of courage or commitment. People think I am nice when I’m merely acting out in hopes of self-gratification. To feel like I have things better sorted out than others. In theory at least…
Some people end up getting better thanks to my advice because they can follow through my otherwise empty words. Yet again, I become alone. Through blogging, however, I am not sharing it with anyone specific. I am sharing it with everyone. Only those that care would read and comment. I mean, that is only natural isn’t it? Still, I am not satisfied.
Thinking about it, it writing or blogging may not even be what I genuinely want. All I want is others to pay attention to my thoughts, to try to understand me like I am trying to understand myself. Even though I never really try to understand others, avoiding others, I expect others to try to understand me. Such prideful wishes really disgust me yet I know that is likely who I really am. Assuming that I even have a self to call my own…
Or perhaps my “self” is what I am trying to get others to affirm.
For all I know, my love for Anime and Manga may simply be because they give me a wide array of characters from whom I can pick and choose personality traits, thought processes and actions…
Even in that case, I cannot adopt the strengths that the characters have because they are unrealistic or I simply don’t have those abilities. I can only play pretend. Pretending to be serious, stupid or happy.
Whatever it may be, genuine or not, all I know is that typing comes naturally to me. Even if what I type may not be of genuine importance or even worth reading, I will continue to type.
Type and post.
Type and post.
And so my blog will continue…