Many of us go about our daily lives with a goal in mind. Or perhaps for the more ambitious, goals. However, as much as we want to accomplish the said goal and feel the satisfaction and sense of fulfilment… What comes after that? As someone who has been fortunate to live a rather comfortable life without having to worry about not having the essentials to get by on a day to day basis, I feel that satisfaction can be an unwanted feeling.
I know it sounds weird but please hear me out. To feel satisfied or fulfiled would mean that one no longer feels the need to continue to work hard. Why? Because you would already have accomplished your goal.
The result would be a crushing sense of emptiness until one finds a new goal. In the end, while it may be frustrating to go through a long and difficult struggle to reach one’s goal, at the very least, it keeps us busy. It keeps forcing us to work hard towards our goal. Our desire to accomplish our task pushes us and gives us a sense of purpose and meaning.
For me, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to try many things and gain satisfaction from them. For example, working hard in my studies to get decent grades, editing quotes onto anime pictures, writing and editing/subbing videos. However, as much satisfaction that I have gained from the above activities, I never fail to be left with a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness upon the completion of each task.
After years of studying hard and getting relatively good grades, eventually, it stopped meaning so much. After feeling a sense of satisfaction after receiving my ‘O’ Level results, I never felt as motivated to study ever again. Perhaps it was due to my new school environment when I entered Junior College. However, I’m convinced that the fact that I achieved the results I desired for my ‘O’ Level examinations also contributed to my attitude in Junior College where I no longer felt as driven to work hard.
It is the same for my other endevours such as editing quotes onto anime pictures and writing. Once I felt the satisfaction of many likes, comments and follows for my Instagram anime quote edits account, after a while, I grew bored of it. I no longer feel the same level of satisfaction any more. Editing turned from a hobby to nothing more than something I do whenever I feel like it (not often). It’s the same for writing, I used to write so regularly, but now, I struggle to write just two posts a week. Why? I’ve already felt the satisfaction from people appreciating my work, liking and commenting, albeit merely a select few. My brain is stagnant. It doesn’t even know what to think anymore. I merely exist as the days go by doing whatever I need to do to survive and holding on to my identity as an “anime fan” or “light novel reader”. Whenever I want to delve into more profound thoughts, my brain just stops because thinking about such things no longer gives as much satisfaction as it used to. Many times, I find myself wanting to just clear my mind to make it easier to go through the motions of living.
You can probably guess what became of my hobby of editing/subbing videos. After feeling the satisfaction of editing/subbing about ten videos, the satisfaction and sense of fulfilment from completing another video decreased drastically. Looking for the right scenes you to fit the music, finding the exact timing for the subs to appear according to the 0.001 second gets tiresome after awhile. The sense of accomplishment of doing something new fades with time (the more you do it).
In the end, satisfaction is like a cursed feeling that causes one to lose motivation to continue in their endeavours. At least, that has been what I’ve experienced so far. To feel satisfied and fulfiled makes it difficult for one to find any reason to continue because well, you are satisfied. There is no reason to continue. In that sense, I guess what I should wish for, is to have an insatiable desire to do one specific thing. In other words, what I need, is a passion in which I can commit myself to. Not like everything else that I grow bored of or tire of as time goes by.
Satisfaction is not a feeling I want to feel, yet it is something I have been blessed with. Perhaps, though it may be insensitive to say this, those who struggle through hardships in their daily lives, those who struggle to satisfy their needs on a daily basis, are the fortunate ones who can truly live their lives without worrying about meaningless things like the meaning or purpose of their lives. As they single-mindedly focus on living the best they can with what they have, perhaps they are the ones, who lead the most fulfiling lives.
On a side note, I recommend checking out “Only Radiant DNA” by zutomayo.
I feel that this song may actually be more concise and also more clearly convey what I’m trying to say in this post ^^”
I still do everything I mentioned in the post, however, at a far lower frequency as compared to when I first started. However, they have merely become ways to kill time or as I mentioned, things I just so happen to feel like doing sometimes. Not exactly for the satisfaction of completing the task, but just to go through the process of doing the task.
I’m sorry if I didn’t make much sense in this post or if I wasn’t being very coherent with everything I said. As I mentioned, it’s been getting more and more difficult for me to think too deeply into things as of late.