Just the other day, I got called out for using calculated words. Not calculated words with any ill intent but simply words meant to ensure that I do not get on anyone’s “bad side”. He knew this but still felt it was bad of me to hide my “true self”. However, to me, I never really felt it was an issue as it is only logical to not want to get on other people’s bad side so as to make our own lives easier isn’t it? Plus, it is not a problem since a pure genuine self of mine that I do not show to anyone does not exist.
Or at the very least, I do not believe that it exists.
The only reason why I still exist is because of the existence of others. Since there are others around me that live, I too need to live. My life revolves around this fact. My existence is one that needs to be comfortable and befitting of the minimum requirements of those around me. In other words, care only about what directly affects me, and people I have to interact with on a daily basis, other than that, isolate myself and indulge in various entertainment mediums available.
Yes, escapism. Anything and everything that can be avoided will be avoided. That is how I live. Doing the bare minimum just to get by before the day I meet my inevitable death… Yet even while living like this, I cannot deny that there are moments which I feel that I want to live. Moments in which I feel like I have a purpose to live.
Those moments often come in phases, for example, whenever I pick up something new to try out; photo editing, video editing, game making, coding and writing. It makes me feel a sense of accomplishment every time I create something and makes me want to create various other things. However, due to my half-hearted and non-committal nature, I tend to put off things after a while when I grow tired of them.
Lately, even my usually somewhat active mind has been wandering and empty. Most of the time nowadays, I find myself spacing out. Unable to think of anything, unable to find it in me to do just about anything. However, during this period of nothingness, I came to question my thoughts themselves. Are they really anything of value? I share them all the time claiming that I like to write but is there another reason why I do so? Have I been deluded into thinking my thoughts are unique due to a few people who complimented me for my “unique” way of thinking? I’m sure that many others have thoughts similar to mine but simply keep to themselves.
Is anything I’ve ever shared or said truly deep? Or is everyone just even more shallow than I am? What makes something “deep”?
For so long, I have indulged myself in a myriad of quotes and loved how profound some of them were. But now, whenever I look at a quote, the most I feel is, “Oh, that’s quite relatable”, and then I move on. There is nothing that strikes me as deep or meaningful anymore. It has all become so repetitive that now sometimes they sound cringy when I read them in my head. Have I just heard and seen all there is to see? Or have I simply been deluded into that negativity equates to deep and profound?
Perhaps, I have yet to reach the truly deep and profound words and discussions that are meaningful and insightful. Or maybe, my conviction that everything is meaningless has turned whatever thoughts I had to appear to be pointless trains of thoughts and turned my hobbies into pass-times.