It’s honestly been a real long time and I question myself as to whether I still have the ability to write. Nevertheless, I shall try my best. I’m kind of forcing myself but at the same time, I feel like I should try to write again. If I keep putting it off just because “I don’t feel like writing”, I may never write again. Why? Since I stopped writing I’ve become increasingly lazy.
While I could easily blame myself as I usually do, let’s just say that the environment I have been in for the past few months has not been a very nurturing one. It was an environment which encouraged the development of a strong will to not do anything. Why? If you work hard, you get a greater workload while the rest do nothing. Thus, wanting to have an easier life, it is better to do nothing and attempt to erase your existence. If they expect nothing of you, they won’t call on you.
While “disappearing” made life really easy for me, it also erased the sense of urgency and duty I had back when I was a student. As a student, my teachers were constantly on the lookout to see who was or wasn’t putting in effort. Reprimanding those who showed to be putting little effort and praising those who worked hard regardless of their performance. Back in school, I felt the need to urge to work hard and do well because I felt it was important to do so. It seemed to me that at the very least, my teachers expected something from me (even if I couldn’t actually produce the results they wanted). I know I shouldn’t be relying on something such as one’s expectations of me or incentives such as being praised to work hard but knowing that others think little of you and your efforts really dampens whatever motivation I have to strive to do my best.
I know that in the future when I go out to work, I most likely won’t get praised for every little thing because I’d just be doing my job. Doing what I am supposed to be doing, but at the very least, knowing that it is my job and duty to do something already gives me the feel that those who hired me expect me to do my job properly. I know I’m really stating the obvious right now but it is this feeling that I completely lacked in the place where I was until just a week ago. I felt unneeded and useless. Thus, it produced the lazy me that I am today. Although I say this now, I do remember how stressed I used to be in the past when people had expectations of me. However, I feel that even if I was more stressed and strained in the past, at least I was working to move forward with everything I had. It felt like I was truly alive and fighting. Hopefully, I can get back to normal soon, or at least before I enter University next year. Perhaps I’ll get a job in the meantime, who knows?
But even something like getting a job, while I might have been interested in getting one, my relatives and friends questioning me whether I really want to get a job makes my motivation to do so shrink. It also doesn’t help that my mother constantly tries to tell me what I should be doing and what I shouldn’t be doing. I know she’s just trying to be helpful but sometimes, the sort of things she tells me to be careful of or advice she gives me really shows how little trust she has in me as an individual. From my perspective, it really seems like she thinks little of me. Sometimes, I feel like she is underestimating me and feel annoyed on the inside. However, there are also times when I am feeling less confident and think to myself, “Am I really that hopeless?”.
I know I’m really such a shallow being to be so easily swayed by people’s expectations of me but I really can’t help it. When one is unsure of himself, all he can do is to search for parts of himself in other’s expectations. Through trial and error, I hope that one day I can become someone who does not need to rely on other’s expectations to make decisions regarding my lifestyle or life choices.
Although I mostly talked about how I want someone to expect something of me in this post, I definitely do not want to disregard the pressure of people actually expecting something from you. It is difficult to perform under such stress if you are not accustomed to it. Of course, the amount of stress and pressure depends on the individual as well as how great the expectations are of him or her. Either way, one can easily become depressed by feeling unneeded and useless as no one expects anything of them. At the same time, one can also become depressed due to the heavy burden of others place on them by constantly expecting them to perform well.
In the end, expecting too much or too little can have negative effects. So I guess, the best situation one can be in, is to have people who believe in you to just do your best. It’s not a result they expect, but your attitude that they believe in. Or perhaps, it would be best to simply associate with people who truly understand you and know exactly what to expect of you. Although, the second scenario is more likely something you’d only see fiction.