Okay, for those of you who don’t want to deal with any negative shit, you can just skip this post. This is a very unprofessional, impulsive post that I’m writing at 2am in the morning.
Living is seriously a huge pain.
Let’s start from back when I was a student…
Like most of you, I went to school, studied hard and tried to get good results. Early on, my results weren’t great (Primary School). However, it later got better (Secondary School) only to detiorate again when I reached Junior College.
*In Singapore: Kindergarten -> Primary School -> Secondary School -> Junior College/Poly -> University
I’ll be straight, when I reached Junior College, I realised I sucked at studying and constantly did worse than majority of my classmates. Having classmates who were either closet hard workers or just plain smart constantly doing better than me was depressing as hell.
Aside from being horrible at studying compared to my peers, I also lack any form of ambition whatsoever. In other words, I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I will be going for Information Systems course in University this August but I don’t feel confident about my ability to do well anymore. However, this part I might just be pessimistic because I don’t know what it’ll be like.
Work and studies aside, eating is a huge pain for me. Deciding what to eat, using energy to consume food which is supposed to provide me with energy is a huge pain. I rarely feel like eating and only eat when my stomach really objects to me not eating. Honestly, I sometimes just skip lunch and survive on a cup of milk tea. Unhealthy, I know.
Talking about health, I can’t stand going to the dentist because it’s always super uncomfortable whenever they need to use tools to fix whatever shit happens in my mouth.
As for general healthcare stuff, I REALLY REALLY HATE NEEDLES. Injections, drawing blood and the like are horrible experiences that I never look forward to. I wish everything could be solved with a pill or something.
To think that I’ll probably need surgeries and things injected into my body when I grow old and weak terrifies me.
As a Singapore Citizen, I also have to continue serving National Service for 10 more years. Unlike the 2 years that I recently completed, it will be short cycles where they call me back for a few weeks every year. Even then, that means that I have to continue to keep fit as well. Of course, most people would see this as a great motivation to stay healthy… but I hate excercising.
So, what can you guys conclude from everything that I’ve said so far?
I suck at studying, have no plans for the future, find doing things necessary for survival a huge pain in the ass, don’t care about my health and terrified of the consequences of not looking after myself properly.
I’m literally the embodiment of a failure of a living being.
That being said, I’m also a coward who fears death as well as a plethora of other things that I won’t bother going in-depth about.
In the end, I’ll always think of suicide every now and then but the chances of me actually committing suicide is even lower than the probability of No Game No Life getting a season 2. (chances might rise after I get to see the conclusion to Oregairu but most likely still won’t be that high)
With this kind of outlook on life, is it even possible for me to love anyone? I’m grateful that my parents have taken good care of me for so long but I can’t even bring myself to say the words “I love you” to my parents. A failure of a child if I may say so myself. No matter how grateful I am for parents who have been looking after and continuing to look after a burden such as myself, I can’t help but feel a sense of frustration that I came into existence in the first place.
Love aside, hormones are a huge piece of crap. What hormones specifically? The ones that make one feel like procreating. Seriously, why do I have to urge to procreate when it would simply be bringing another poor soul into existence? The world is dying and will probably only get more difficult to live in from now on and yet the desire to procreate never subsides. Even if I was fortunate enough to have a girl willing to help me out, being the coward that I am, I probably wouldn’t be able to because of my fear of the diseases we all learn about in school sex education.
After all, abstinence is key isn’t it?
I seriously hate this fragile body that is so susceptible to injuries and diseases. Of course, I also hate that I’m such a useless person who can’t make the most of the hand he’s been dealt.
After all, it seems like all I can do is complain and not confront a single of my problems head-on.
If you read through the entire post, I’m sorry for wasting your time with some spoilt kid’s ramblings (haha 20 and I’m still like this, hopeless…)
Take care yall…